You Matter · Free Educational Resource

Domestic Violence

Recognize patterns, understand options, and find specialist support. You are not alone.

If you are in danger right now

Emergency (U.S.) Call 911 if it is safe to do so
National DV Hotline Call 800-799-7233
Text START to 88788
Chat: thehotline.org
TTY: 800-787-3224 · 24/7
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Important: This page is educational. It does not provide legal advice, safety guarantees, or crisis intervention. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. A trained advocate can help you think through options specific to your situation.

What Is Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence — also called intimate partner violence or relationship abuse — is a pattern of behavior used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner. It can happen in any relationship regardless of gender, age, sexual orientation, religion, or economic status.

Abuse is not always physical. It can be emotional, verbal, financial, digital, or sexual. Each form is serious and can cause lasting harm.

“Abuse is about control, not anger. You did not cause it. You cannot fix it by changing your behavior.”

Types of Abuse

Physical abuse

Hitting, slapping, pushing, choking, restraining, or using objects or weapons to cause harm.

Emotional and psychological abuse

Humiliation, threats, isolation from friends and family, gaslighting, controlling who you see or where you go, constant criticism, intimidation, or threats to harm children or pets.

Financial abuse

Controlling money and financial decisions, preventing access to employment or education, running up debt in your name, stealing money or property.

Digital and technology abuse

Monitoring your phone, email, or location without consent; using tracking devices; controlling your social media accounts; sharing or threatening to share private images.

Sexual abuse

Any unwanted sexual contact or behavior. Consent can be withdrawn at any time, including within a relationship or marriage.

Stalking

Repeated, unwanted contact or monitoring that causes fear. This includes physical following, repeated calls or messages, showing up unexpectedly, or surveillance through technology.

Warning Signs

These are potential warning signs in a relationship. They are not proof of abuse, but a pattern of several may be worth talking through with a trusted person or advocate.

  • Jealousy or possessiveness presented as love or care
  • Wanting to move very fast in the relationship
  • Controlling who you spend time with or where you go
  • Making you feel responsible for their moods or behavior
  • Humiliating you publicly or privately
  • Threats to hurt you, your children, pets, or themselves if you leave
  • Telling you that you are imagining things or are “too sensitive”
  • Preventing you from working, studying, or managing your own money
  • Checking your phone, email, or location without permission
  • Becoming violent or very frightening when angry

The Cycle of Abuse

Many abusive relationships follow a recognizable pattern, though not every relationship fits neatly into it. Understanding the pattern can help make sense of confusing experiences.

1. Tension building Stress rises; victim may feel they are “walking on eggshells”
2. Incident Abusive episode — physical, emotional, sexual, or other
3. Reconciliation Apologies, gifts, promises to change; the “honeymoon phase”
4. Calm Incident is minimized or forgotten; cycle repeats

Over time, the calm phases often shorten and incidents can become more serious. The cycle is not inevitable — with specialist support, people do leave abusive relationships safely.

Why Leaving Is Complicated

People stay in or return to abusive relationships for many reasons. These reasons are real and valid, and they do not mean someone wants to be hurt.

  • Fear of retaliation or escalation (leaving is statistically the most dangerous time)
  • Financial dependence or lack of resources
  • Shared children, housing, or immigration status
  • Love for the partner and hope they will change
  • Isolation from support networks
  • Religious, cultural, or family pressure
  • Shame or belief that the abuse is their fault
  • Past experiences of not being believed or helped
A trained advocate at the National DV Hotline (800-799-7233) can help you think through options at your own pace, without pressure to leave immediately.

Safety Planning

A safety plan is a practical, personalized set of actions to increase safety — whether you are staying, planning to leave, or have already left. A trained advocate can help you build one. General considerations include:

  • Identifying a trusted person who knows your situation
  • Knowing the locations of important documents (ID, passport, financial records)
  • Having a bag ready with essentials if you need to leave quickly
  • Identifying safe places you could go
  • Knowing the hotline number by memory or stored safely
  • Considering technology safety — who has access to your devices and accounts
  • Planning for children or pets if applicable
Note: Abruptly changing behavior (such as suddenly removing monitoring apps or changing passwords) can sometimes increase risk. A specialist advocate can help you think through timing and steps.

How to Help Someone You Care About

  • Believe them and listen without judgment
  • Avoid ultimatums like “If you don’t leave I can’t support you”
  • Understand that leaving takes time and is dangerous — support them through the process
  • Help them access resources without taking control away from them
  • Do not confront the abuser directly — this can put the victim at greater risk
  • Take care of your own wellbeing too; supporting someone in an abusive situation is emotionally demanding

You Matter

Abuse is never your fault. You deserve to feel safe. Help exists, and you do not have to figure this out alone.

This resource is free. No purchase is required to access You Matter support and education.

Authoritative sources and helplines

This page is educational and does not replace professional legal, medical, or safety advice. Links are for reference only and do not imply endorsement or partnership. Verify availability and hours directly with each organization.